census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
