if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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