mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
