rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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