Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
