I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
