Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
