I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
