I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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