I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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