I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
