I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
