I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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