I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
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