just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
