i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
