She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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