Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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