A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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