We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
