she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
