My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
