if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
