I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
