I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
