dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
