Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
