Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
