Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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