hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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