how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Never joke about your clitoris.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
