yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
