i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
