I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
