you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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