Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
