Even the bartender felt bad for me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
