I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
