I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
