why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
