Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
