first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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