Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
