So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
