we have pet lesbian snakes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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