need another drink. this is the easiest way
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh god it's open bar.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
