Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
