I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
