Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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