I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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